Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just found a bag of teeth...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
