the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
