my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
