Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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