Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
