You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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