sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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