I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize