We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
