some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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