We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
