she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You took a bar mat shot.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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