Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
