im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
