i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
