My cat gives me a boner
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
