I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
