literally had 100 drinks last night.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
