Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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