Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
