New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
