Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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