just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
