She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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