she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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