Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
