you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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