so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
