Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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