Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
