I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
