I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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