he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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