so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
