she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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