It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize