i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
