Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
