Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
