we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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