my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
