This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
