if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
