I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
