I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
