My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
