I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Welp...herpes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
