I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
