I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
