Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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