the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
