Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
