I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
