just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
