anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
