his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
