My vagina just recognized that song.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
