I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
