i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
