I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize