hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
