I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
only you would photoshop your dick
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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